Love For Self, Others And God

Mark 12:31

When we hear that familiar challenge of Jesus that we should "love our neighbor as ourselves," many of us get a guilty feeling because we think that we are loving ourselves too much and not loving our neighbors enough. Well, I think we are wrong. I think the truth of the matter is that most of us are unable to love our neighbors as much as we should, not because we love ourselves too much, but because we do not love ourselves enough. Notice that the commandment is not "you shall love your neighbor rather than yourself," but "you shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Many of the problems that are most vexing to people actually grow out of their lack of self-appreciation, their lack of love for themselves.

Some people, for example, have a tremendously difficult time writing. Whether they are writing a personal letter or a term paper or a dissertation or a sermon some people practically get paralyzed as they sit at the typewriter or sit at the desk with pen in hand. The reason, in most cases, is that they have a deep-seated feeling that anything they write is going to be inadequate or stupid. They have plenty to say, but they cannot get on with it because they don't think highly enough of themselves and of what they have to say. I know what I'm talking about; I've been there. Some of you are there right now.

Let me take another example. Here's a girl in her teens who is overly concerned with how she looks and how she dresses and who tends to brag about who she knows and where she has been and so forth. In other words, she has all of those traits we think of as "vanity," and people tend to say things about her such as "she's too full of herself." But she's not. The problem is just the opposite. She is not full enough! If she were, she would not have to be so preoccupied with herself. If she were like a glass filled up to the brim, she would be able to let herself spill over and out to the other people; but because she is like a glass that is only half full, she is continually trying to fill herself up.

Let me take another example. The inability to say "No" to other people without feeling guilty also stems from a lack of self-esteem. Some of us have never really gotten to the point where we can say comfortably and cheerfully and firmly to ourselves, "What I want to do or don't want to do is just as valid and important as what this person wants me to do." We have heard the commandment "you shall love your neighbor as you love yourself," but its meaning has not gotten down inside us.

On the other hand, the inability to say "yes" stems from the very same source. Some of us always find excuses for not taking on responsibilities for which we are actually well equipped because we have this deep-seated feeling that what we are and what we can do are not as good as what others are and can do.

Some of us are vexed because in spite of all of our resolutions we invariably talk too much when we are in groups, and others of us are vexed because in spite of all of our resolutions we sit there and never open our mouths. It's a lack of self-love in both cases. People who talk too much are trying to make up for the inadequacy of what they just said. It's sort of like they feel that if they stopped they would recede out of sight. The person who is sitting there silently is saying, "If I sit here like a dummy, people are going to think I'm stupid; but if I open my mouth, they're going to know I am."

Let me try finally to illustrate this whole matter in terms of marriage. If you are married, it is possible that you are one of those persons who is often depressed because your feelings are constantly being stepped on by your spouse. You may get criticized for being too affectionate and also criticized for not being responsive enough. You may be a wife who has been told that there is not enough money to do something that you want badly to do, but you notice that there is always enough money for golf expenses or fishing trips or ball games. You may be a husband and almost every time you start to tell somebody something when your wife is around she interrupts with "Oh, that's not they way it happened," and proceeds to tell it her way. It is possible that your way of handling this has been to shrug and back off even though it makes you feel like a fool. No self-respecting person with an appropriate level of self-esteem would put up with things like that. I know of one very able marriage counselor with long experience who has identified four main problems he encounters in marriage relationships. At the head of the list is "insufficient self love."

I wonder sometimes why we have not seen this more readily, because this lack of self-esteem runs counter to what Jesus taught and counter to the example he set. It also runs counter to the findings of modern psychology.

Think about this theme of self-esteem in relation to a few of Jesus' teachings.

The first passage that comes to mind is the one I have chosen for a text, Mark 12:31, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." That seems to me to be a clear and unequivocal statement that there should be in each of us an equality of self-love and neighbor-love. Jesus does not suggest that you should love your neighbor "better than" yourself or "rather than" yourself, but "as" yourself.

Look at Matthew 6:25-33. Jesus says, "I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on….Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" It was a challenge to us to consider and embrace our worth.

Do you recall his story about the widow with a legal grievance who kept pestering a judge for her rights until he finally helped her out in order to get rid of her. Jesus spoke with admiration of the kind of self-respect that kept that woman going.

And he practiced what he taught. If you stand back and look at what the New Testament reveals about his feelings and attitudes and actions, I think you get a picture of a man whose concern for others was balanced by an appreciation for himself.

In the third chapter of Mark we get a very vivid picture of him turning his back on needy people who were clamoring for his time and his help and going off into retreat with his disciples. He simply decided that he had given an appropriate share of his time and energy to the needs of other people and that he was now going to give time to the meeting of his own.

There is another very striking example in that same chapter when his mother and brothers tried to get him to stop what he was doing and come home because of the danger they perceived he was creating for himself. He loved them, but he was unwilling to put his calling aside even though that decision caused them distress. Some people who heard and saw the incident probably said to one another, "How could he disregard the feelings of his family like that?"

Or think about how he refused to let himself be browbeaten by legalists who were trying to trap him. "You asked me a question," he said; "let me ask you one. You answer mine and I'll answer yours." Contrast that response with the one some of us make when we are approached by people selling products or some brand of religion and they start asking a series of leading questions. Some of us are answering the questions unwillingly because we have not become secure enough in ourselves or because we don't want someone to take offense at us for not doing what they want.

Another example of the kind of self-affirmation we are talking about can be seen when Peter and James and John began to argue about who was going to be vice-president of the kingdom of God. It made Jesus angry, and he told them so—without apology.

Finally, one of the clearest examples of all in Mark 14. While he was eating a meal at Simon's house in Bethany along with some other guests, a woman came in with a jar of very costly perfume and poured it on him as an act of love. Some were indignant at the extravagance of that impulsive act and thought that they would be voicing Jesus' own sentiments when they said, "What a waste! Why that perfume could have been sold for money to help the poor." Jesus said, "Let her alone; she has done a beautiful thing for me." You have to have a proper sense of your own worth to be able to receive a gift like that.

The healthy, whole person is one who has that, according to Jesus: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." It is interesting to note how modern psychology bears this out. The National Association for Mental Health has a little booklet entitled "Mental Health is 1, 2, 3." It describes three characteristics of people with good mental health. What do you suppose the first one is? "They feel comfortable about themselves." The pamphlet goes on to describe what is meant by that.

They are not bowled over by their own emotions—by their fears, anger, love, jealousy, guilt or worries. They can take life's disappointments in their stride. They have a tolerant, easy-going attitude towards themselves as well as others; they can laugh at themselves. They neither under-estimate nor over-estimate their abilities. They can accept their own shortcomings. They have self-respect.

There is, of course, another dimension to the "second" commandment. The first is love for self; the second is love for others. "You shall love your neighbor." Interestingly enough, psychology has discovered that this is the second characteristic of people with good mental or emotional health. To quote the pamphlet from the Mental Health Association: "They feel right about other people."

Because they like and trust themselves, they expect to like and trust others, and take it for granted that others will like and trust them. They respect the many differences they find in people. They do not push people around, nor do they allow themselves to be pushed around. They can feel they are part of a group.

Well, as we have looked at this matter, you may have been measuring yourself by the standards of self-esteem and regard for others that I have mentioned. You may be reassured, or you may be concerned. One thing is for sure. We all have plenty of room for growth no matter where we are on the scale.

And that is where your faith should enter the picture. Whatever else your faith involves, it should have at its very center the conviction that God loves you and forgives you and accepts you and cares for you…unconditionally. When you really begin to know that and really begin to feel that in your heart, then you will begin to love yourself more and your neighbor as yourself.

And that is why there is a first and great commandment that precedes and provides the solid foundation for the one we have been considering this morning. A man asked Jesus "What is the first commandment of all?" Jesus replied, "The first is… `you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart…soul…mind and strength.' The second is this, `you shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."

J. Harold McKeithen, Jr. Hidenwood Presbyterian Church Newport News, VA